Will I Ever Feel Good Enough?

You are good enough because you are you!

I am never happy with what I do. There always seems to be something missing, something lacking in whatever I embark on. I am always scared that I will fail, that people will ridicule me. This belief about me and my abilities spreads throughout every area of my life. I do not feel good enough as a person, as a daughter, as a spouse or as a parent. And I feel helpless. I do not know what to do about it. Or rather I know, but I cannot bring myself to do it. The fear of failure is sky high. The thought of the possibility to disappoint the people around me torments me every single day. And because of this, I take the easy way out. I play it safe because that way I know that I will get things done. I end up not challenging myself and therefore I am never able to do the things that inspire and excite me. I know it is a sorry state to be in and the more people around me try to push me, the more scared I get and the less I do. The fear of people looking down on me is debilitating.

I have also come to believe that I do not deserve to be loved. I am continuously expecting to be replaced by the next best thing and this drives me deeper into depression. I live my relationships in fear of being dumped. I cannot understand why people stay with me or around me. How can anyone want to be with such a loser? I cannot offer much and people don’t last around long, because in my head, I am not good enough. I look at my children and I almost feel sorry for them for having me as their parent. They deserve so much more than me. I will never be able to give them what they deserve. This turmoil is what occupies my thoughts every second of the day. I am exhausted. I feel I am doing my utmost but for some reason I cannot measure up to my very own expectations, let alone to other people’s expectations.

This belief about who we are doesn’t just happen. It is internalized as we are growing up. The basic need of every human being is to be loved and cared for and when this, as children does not happen for one reason or another, than the children start to internalize messages that they are doing something wrong, that they are not good enough to be loved by the people who should love them unconditionally. Children who go through these situations try to fix it in their own way, they try to be a better child. They think and hope that maybe, by being better, they will start to get the love and attention they are craving for. In such situations, their reality doesn’t change because what is happening in their life is not the result of what they are doing and how they are behaving. That is when, as a child, they start to believe that they are not a good enough son or daughter and therefore they do not deserve to be loved. They grow up with this belief and make choices according to this internalized perceived reality.

No one grows out of this belief. It doesn’t go away on its own. In order to learn to manage it and challenge it one needs to seek therapy. This journey will help the client uncover the roots of this self perception. In a very safe space, the therapist will help the client get to the bottom of this issue and uncover those experiences which helped foster this thought. This process may be very painful for the client but it will help him and her realize that they are not to blame. Things in the past did not happen because they were not good enough and nothing they did could ever change that. It’s because it was never their fault. So many clients feel so relieved after such an experience. They have carried this burden for so long and now they finally realize that they are actually good enough. They deserve to be loved and they matter. I do hope that when you put your head on your pillow tonight you remember that you are good enough and that you are loved.