The Double-Edged Sword - The Struggles of Motherhood

You will always wonder if you are doing things wrong; but that's what it means being a mum.

I love being a mother. I look at my children and feel my heart swell. I feel I need to smother them with love and shower them with kisses. Whenever I can, I embrace them so close to my heart and hold them so tightly that it seems I don’t ever want to let them go. But motherhood has not been easy for me. Let’s all face it. Motherhood isn’t easy. The second these tiny humans come into this world, ours changes forever. And not just because of the commitment that we need to constantly care for someone so dependant. It changes forever because now we are expected to look after our children according to social expectations that put so much pressure on us as mothers.

I admire those mothers who are cool and are able to handle motherhood with so much class. I don’t happen to be one of them. I worry so much about everything. When my children were babies everyone was telling me not to worry. I would be able to tell their needs by their cry. Oh my God! What?! I could never ever tell the difference as to whether they were hungry or fussy or simply bored! And I felt so clueless, so bad and so worthless because according to people out there I was supposed to tell! What about the worry? My constant worry that something bad is going to happen to my kids. I was and still am constantly fussing about their health. Sometimes I am scared to take them out to certain places because I am scared that they will get sick or end up in hospital with some nasty virus that can’t be dealt with at home. Now I have come to the realization of what it means wearing your heart on your sleeve and boy don’t I feel vulnerable? Every day feels like a ticking time bomb expecting something bad to happen to them. Something I cannot protect them from.

And what about the food? Feeding is always an added pressure for mothers. Right when they are born there seems to be a social pressure that it is healthier to breastfeed babies. I really admire those mothers who are able to do it for an extensive period of time. It is definitely one of the hardest things to do as a mother. But I couldn’t and oh I felt like I was such a failure! I felt that I was something less for my children. That right from the start I was not able to give them the best that I possibly can. Did I cry about it? Everyday. Every time I whipped out a bottle of formula I could hear the voice in my head ‘This is not the best for your child’. And then food started and it was a whole emotional mess once again. My children are picky eaters and no they never wanted homemade food. How many times have I heard the mantra that I was not trying enough to give them food I cooked. Endless times! And with every portion of food I threw away in the bin because my kids won’t eat it, I cried because according to some people out there I was not trying enough or I was surely doing something wrong.

What about the constant fatigue and the sleepless nights? Tired is an understatement. Sometimes I wonder whether I am living or just existing. It is not just taking care of the kids but them and everything else on the list that needs to be done. Then I find people inquiring why I am not taking them to different extra curricular activities. And the parenting doubts sky rocket. Am I taking care of my children well? Are they going to be emotionally stable individuals? Or will they abhor the thought of me when they get older? Are they going to spite me because I decided to send them to nursery? Are they going to feel I abandoned them because I send them to summer school during the summer holidays? Am I going to cause them some major trauma? Am I raising them well? Am I raising self confident children or am I transferring my fears on to them? And on and on and on. It never stops. The doubt and the fear that somehow along the way I will make some mothering mistakes that will scar them forever is overwhelming.

And then I feel those tiny arms around my neck and hear ‘Mommy I love you’ and ‘Mommy I missed you’ and I realize with tears in my eyes that I must be doing something right. My kids think of me as their world and with tears in my eyes I secretly heave a sigh of relief, look in the mirror and tell myself ‘Soldier on mummy. Soldier on. You might have lost some battles but not the war’.

Dear mummies, do not doubt yourselves about the decisions you take on behalf of your children. You know your children very well and I am pretty sure that you know what they need and when. Nothing can surmount the love you have for them and all you want from life is to see them happy and healthy. Also remember that it is alright to make mistakes. Motherhood is a continuous learning process and making mistakes teaches us how to do things differently. It is also alright to apologize to your children when something does not go as planned. We are definitely not always right.

It is also important for us to come to the realization that maybe we are too overwhelmed and that we may need help. Therapy will definitely help to come to terms with those issues that you are struggling with. It will help you acquire self confidence not only as a mother but also as an individual. Motherhood doesn’t come with a set of pre-defined instructions and each child is different, therefore what works for one does not work for the other. We can never be perfect but we can promise our children that we will always have their back and we will be by their side in any circumstances. So tonight take a peek at your children while they are asleep, smile and be proud of how these children turned out to be. You had something to do with how awesome they have become.